Fragments

Two things happened this week that prompted deeper self-reflection. The first thing that happened was that, my friend T, decided to share what he’s learned and been through for the past year—basically, what the past year meant to him. The second thing is the latest episode of Glee (Nationals).

What’s been on my mind is: this past year truly has been the toughest year I’ve ever had to go through in my life and who I am today, right now, is largely influenced by this past year.

About 2 years ago, after I graduated high school—I truly thought I’d had it all, that the world is my oyster and I was just so eager and excited to take on the world. I wouldn’t say everything came crashing down, but I could say that things took unexpected turns—at every chance they got.

I don’t know whether being brought to my knees was a constant occurrence, but I was praying, and hoping a lot. I was also crying a lot. And was just struggling to stay afloat. I never saw any of it coming.

I remember having a sleepover with two of my bestest (they deserve the bestEST) friends and talking about it all through the night: our trials and tribulations, what we went through and how we just weren’t ready to take on the world yet, and most importantly, what we learned in the end. I think, that moment, for us all, was the moment that we were finally, truly humbled by the lessons that life is trying to teach us.

What my friend, T, said was right. I learned that life can’t break me. Life can’t break my family. My dreams and faith, truly are more real and powerful than any other distracting doubts and fears out there. And, the future is mine.

I was silenced by those words, brought up by T. Because I truly know now, the future is mine. And I will never, ever go back to the dispiriting state A-Levels brings so many students to; and I will never, ever be scared of anything again after seeing my parents brave up and face what’s ahead; and I will never, ever forget my friends (& my boyfriend, who’s phenomenal) or forget to care about them for they are my true extended family; and I will always be grateful for LIFE; and I will always, always, ALWAYS, be grateful for whatever I have, whatever that may come and for everything.

That is for sure.

Much love.

P.S. In the words of USC Trojans (the school I almost wanted to go to), FIGHT ON.

Celebrations don’t really go down well in my family. Since we’re like The Brady Brunch, celebrations are the pinnacle of… chaos. Christmas, CNY, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day… it’s all a nightmare waiting to erupt.

This time wasn’t any different. My sister and I found ourselves whispering furiously at our younger siblings to prevent another world war, we put on our best smiles and did our best to make everyone be appreciative, and grateful, and happy.

Not gonna happen. But these are times, where I witness my mother doing what she does best—being a mother.

A lot of people like to judge, her being a stay-at-home mum and all. But her decision to stay at home, I think, truly saved us all and kept this family together. No other sacrifice in this family is more noble than hers. And I know, for a fact, from all that I’ve witnessed, that being a mother is one of the loneliest roles in the world. Sure, she has friends of course, and her awesome family to back her up always but I know the things she deals with, no one will ever truly understand.

And the grace she had while dealing with all the shit that came her way? No one will be able to deal with it as well as she did. Because she always puts all of OUR best interests at heart.

Always incredibly understanding, kind, hilarious in every way possible, loud, and quietly tough and strong… to say I’ve been blessed with a wonderful mother is an understatement.

Yesterday morning, as she scrambled to find directions to a school so we wouldn’t be late to pick my sister up; yesterday afternoon, as she patiently cooked Mee Hun Kuey for my dad so he could have it fresh and hot; yesterday night, as she took my younger siblings out for a walk during dinner so they wouldn’t disrupt the rest of our nights; this morning, as she cared for my younger sister who’s currently having a fever; this afternoon, when she sat on my bed and told me all the things she’s gonna do to help me get my student visa easier—I knew, that she’s been doing it for almost 20 years, without complains; silently nurturing and caring and loving us all equally.

Words cannot describe my gratitude and love for this woman.

Celebrations don’t always go down well in our family, but we always make the things that matter count at the end of the day.

Much love.

I think it’s pretty convenient that I’m having exams right now. Gives me an excuse and an outlet to bury whatever bad feelings I have—don’t I always? Anything that chooses to arise—guilt, jealousy, envy—I can just move on, look at my books, force myself into the academic world and try to forget about it because at least I’ve got something more important that matters to me, that I care about. (Yes, who doesn’t wanna ace their exams?)

I guess I never learn in this aspect. I can grow and learn and be open in so many ways but never when it comes to personal, emotional conflicts. I’m really, truly doing my best.

I need to forgive someone who screwed with my confidence on the road. I need to stop trying so fruitlessly to understand this person I’ll never be able to figure out if I’m so closed-up. I need to stop comparing myself to others’ and seriously start seeing what I have in my life. I can’t always expect everyone to be constantly perfect and phenomenal at being the people I need them to be—they’re human too. And I need to stop beating myself up for every role I play and getting hurt if people think I’m not playing my role good enough: student, sister, daughter, friend, best friend, girlfriend.

Here’s to forgiving people, and more importantly, forgiving myself.

Much love.

“I brake for birds, I rock a lot of polka dots, I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours, […] and I find it fundamentally strange that you’re not a dessert person. That’s just weird, and it freaks me out. And I’m sorry I don’t talk like Murphy Brown, and I hate your pantsuit. I wish it had ribbons on it, or something to make it just slightly cuter. … And that doesn’t mean that I’m not smart, and tough and strong!”

How I basically feel when some people think they’re all that and look at me all weird and I can see the judgements just flowing out of their eyes.

(Actually, I do break for birds.)

Much love!